Yoga Me

A reflection on being a student and a teacher.

I find myself standing at the top of my yoga mat in front of a dozen other yogi. They are quiet, respectful, attentive. Waiting. We are a cohort and this is the final step in completing a 200 hour yoga teacher training (YTT). We each teach a sequence to the group. I even have a playlist to accompany my sequence and feel more confident than I had expected.

This journey began eight months ago. It was summer then and hot. It is cold now and I am relieved that I feel as well as I do physically. I also can’t believe that I have made it this far, through intense weekend sessions in which I questioned my judgement and my body’s ability to continue. But the training was offered with a sense of joy and commitment that allayed my reservations and kept me going.

Although I worked in education for over 20 years, I was an administrator, not a teacher, and had no expectation of teaching. This then feels very different to me but I am confident that I have been well prepared. The YTT Director Nikki is strong and kind, en expert educator and a yogi of deep experience and understanding. She led us surely through the training, combining the asanas (poses), pranayama (breathing) and sequencing with significant emphasis on the philosophy, traditions and culture of yoga. Nikki developed our confidence and camaraderie by thoughtfully building each step of the training on those before it and offering us many opportunities to practice and experiment together. I have come to love and respect the members of my cohort. They are interesting as individuals and together we have formed a friendly and supportive bond.

I had never practiced yoga until two years ago, after retirement, and started with the thought that it would be good exercise. It would improve my flexibility and my strength. I pictured myself calm and strong, holding various (slightly) dramatic and graceful poses, breathing deeply while gazing off into the distance. I had done some cursory preparation by purchasing a book with basic poses and some general background on yoga. Like so many things in my life - no less so as I get older - reality soon set in. While I was able to assume a number of the postures, the stamina to complete an hour-long class was another thing. I was often lost in class, falling out of one posture and then rushing to assume the next. Vinyasa Flow can be vigorous exercise indeed. I feared I would never be able to combine or coordinate my pranayama properly with the asanas. Some asanas were more challenging for me than others but I learned that there can be peace in the challenge and to embrace challenge from this perspective rather than through frustration or disappointment. The instructors were generous and encouraging as I persevered.

Because I had worked in education I tried to pay attention to how Nikki trained us as yoga educators. Our yoga specific skills were cultivated, certainly, but also our understanding of the context. We learned and discussed the eight limbs of yoga and the effects of western colonization on yoga as it is widely practiced in this country today. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, the colonization of yoga is intertwined with the structural racism that is embedded in American society. While it is hard to miss the prevalence of yoga and yoga studios in the US it is also quite clear that access to the practice is frequently connected to privilege and Nikki encouraged the group to explore how we can stretch beyond these norms.

Personally I was moved by the Yamas and Niyamas, the first two of yoga’s eight limbs that are the ethical principles people of many times and places can embrace: Ahimsa (Nonviolence), Satya (Truthfulness), Asteya (Non-stealing), Brahmacharya (Non-excess), Aparigraha (Non-possessiveness), Saucha (Purity), Santosha (Contentment), Tapas (Self-discipline), Svadhyaya (Self-study), and Ishvara Pranidhana (Surrender). Nikki taught us to respect and honor the South Asian roots of yoga and I am mindful to acknowledge this in my practice, and now, my teaching. We learned and practiced basic Sanskrit so that we could name the asanas in deference to yogic tradition and I find this helps to keep me grounded as I practice.

I believe now that meditation (dhyana) and clearing the mind to achieve awareness and move closer to Samahdi (the ultimate connection and merging with the divine) is implicit in my yogic efforts although I may never achieve true meditation much less Samahdi.

So what I began somewhat naively as an effort to improve my physical health is now a much greater endeavor and one for which I am very grateful. While I never imagined that I might teach yoga, it now seems like a natural extension of my initial efforts and one that has taught me a great deal about yoga, myself and how the physical, mental and spiritual parts of us can be brought together to learn and grow and be part of a community.

I hear my music and begin my sequence . . . plant your feet firmly, stand tall and extend your spine, let the crown of your head shine upwards with arms by your side and palms facing forward, Tadasana (Mountain pose) . . . .

May your practice bring you peace.